“Have you lost your mind?!” This question is often addressed in a shrill voice by a parent to a child in a tone of dismay or ridicule. The little one addressed stands ashamed because he got out of line. But some people really do lose their mind, many of them older people, and no shaming should be happening. It’s due to a disease that hits people with more predictability the older they get!
I remember driving my dad to his house after he had attended a pastors’ meeting with me. This was in 1990. He was a retired pastor, and I was an active one. We negotiated the freeway turns going from Everett, Washington to Redmond, where he lived. I was accustomed to him making aggressive navigational remarks when I was at the wheel, and usually tolerated these with minor irritation. But this day there were way too many of them and I mentioned it a mile before we pulled up to his driveway. I was shocked at his response, because it revealed a vulnerability I had been clueless about until then. “I just don’t remember things so well these days,” he said, trying to solve this riddle as he spoke. Immediately the thought came to me, “Dad was talking me through the turns on the freeway to help himself stay in the game. He was actually disoriented back there!” For a guy who flew in the South Pacific and pulled many all-nighters driving across country, this was a real change.
Those in the helping professions may refer to the condition generically: “It’s dementia.” That’s a convenient label, and we know so much less than we’d like at this point. Our minds get a lot slower as we age. Popular magazines even prescribe exercises for us to stay sharp with the hope of staving off the eventuality of this horror! My wife asked me to read one of these articles. But professionals continue to sound a warning about something called Alzheimer’s Disease. It stands in its own camp with a raging defiance. It killed my dad. But it took a decade.
Since I’m a pastor, I’d like to say something about the spiritual aspects of this disease. A person’s spiritual well-being can affect other areas of life. This has to do with relationships. Maybe our story can help you a little.
I remember a family gathering soon after our drive on the freeway. We gathered in the Redmond home; the young generation, grandchildren of my parents, were there. We were laughing, listening to loud music, and people were reacting to something on the TV in the family room. Adjoined to this was the kitchen where dad paced, scowling and staying out of the fun. Some of the people began to notice this, because his normal “stand apart from the crowd” posture was accentuated. When the music and laughter rose to a high pitch, he was observed making a complaint. “What gives?” we thought. Some in the group reacted to his unsociable mood. “Why is Dad throwing cold water on this occasion?” we thought. “We’re all having a good time, except for him.”
Loud noises and sudden movements are perceived differently by Alzheimer’s patients than the normal person. I think that was partly what was going on there. Maybe a car swerving in traffic would fit in that category. Thus, his agitation on the freeway earlier. But, without getting into medical analysis, which I can’t do, let’s look at relationships. When a person begins to suspect that there is a new reality (onset of Alzheimer’s), it ought to be checked out. If there is a bad relationship to begin with, such as unforgiveness between people, the moment a person doesn’t measure up becomes a moment to seize on. “He’s so uptight!” “Why doesn’t she enjoy life more?!” This situation is like what happens when a family has substance abuse in one or more members. The entire family system is often dysfunctional and the “disease” can exacerbate this. What are some key faith and relationship issues?
Unbelief and fear are related. Faith is a matter of trusting – that Jesus Christ really came from heaven, entered our history, died to atone for humankind’s sin and reconcile us to God. The God factor is everything, because He’s the one who made us for relationships. Through a right relationship with Him, we have meaning, peace, and security. He created us in His image. But if we continue alienated from Him, we live in guilt, fear and insecurity. There’s no way to keep from “transferring” those feelings onto the people we are closest to. Especially when pressures like Alzheimer’s, substance abuse, or money problems arise.
And even when reconciliation is effected, as long as one lives in the temporal sphere, there will still be unresolved things such as pain, loneliness and mystery. These, of course, can be met by the grace of God for the believer. But for the unbeliever, there must be alternative routes to resolve them. Blaming and shaming are things we all tend to fall back on, as opposed to trusting God and seeking His will for solutions. Those are two extremely different approaches. And, any honest “believer” would admit that he often fails and falls back into blaming and shaming. That’s why we write into our worship liturgies things called “confession of sin”. We don’t always live up to our calling and need renewal through daily forgiveness.
Back to some concrete terms. If your mother has dementia and is approaching death – certainly the death of relationships as you have known them – who will take care of her emotionally? When she’s fearful how can you reassure her? When the caregiver who’s paid below minimum wage and doesn’t speak English well has duty in the middle of the night, how well will things go? Do you feel guilty for letting things get to this point? Do you have someone to talk to about your pressures? I’m often reminding myself in pastoral work that the caregiver needs care! This person can easily get overlooked.
As Dad’s condition worsened he went into a nursing home. The second and final caregiving situation had a specialized Alzheimer’s unit. Toward the end of this nine month period, we had to commit him to a “gero-psych” evaluation. This was discouraging. He had always been healthy and strong, and because he was on the razor’s edge of being aware of things, he resisted them the intake people. He didn’t understand why they were putting him in a wheelchair, nor did he know why all the strange people were handling him while we were backing away. He got excited and resisted. From their point of view, he was making things difficult. Drugs were their answer. I felt like I was observing “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” in real life.
After this things settled down and we found a nursing home ten miles from my mother. Her decision to commit him to the unit had been precipitated by months of tussling with him and cleaning up in the wake of incontinence problems. I would have absolutely hated to go and visit him and just stare at the wall without much conversation. In the second nursing care situation I became “that nice guy”. He didn’t know my name or who exactly I was.
And then music came in handy. He had taught me chords on the piano, paid for my music lessons, and had driven me to them countless times, as had my mother. Now I dug out the guitar, and had the nursing home tuck his trumpet in a hall closet where I could quickly grab it during visits. Boy was I glad for the Benny Goodman and Tommy Dorsey hits that he had taught me! We both played them by memory. The old favorite hymns came back too. I kept a list of song titles in my wallet and in the guitar case.
Somehow, I suppose, God made our brains with an easy access for music. It seems that information tied to music, rhythm, and movement lasts longer than some other strictly cognitive things. This is not scientifically precise on my part, but I have observed it firsthand too many times to pass it off. What a blessing. We had many song sessions together and he didn’t even know my name. I also saw him reacting with simple glee when someone brought in a cat to the lobby. When you get older do you again enjoy the simple things like little animals and little children because you’re no longer busy keeping that pressurized schedule – and you’re unable to do the “treadmill”?
Back to relationships and our spiritual life: A close family friend named Cliff once said he wanted to write a book called Flowers are For the Living. He never got to it, but his concern was that we too often wait till our loved ones die to talk about what great people they were. Tell and show them while they’re still alive! I’m glad I was able to give Dad a shave and wash his face once. I’m glad I could push him in a wheelchair a few times. It was on a sunny sidewalk in Redmond, a block from the Microsoft campus. I sang, prayed, and recited scriptures aloud on that spring day. It was a way to “connect.” Had I not forgiven him – had he not forgiven me – whatever needed forgiving, we would have had a roadblock in our relationship. But because God actually entered our history, and we both take that seriously, there was a sizzling reality to this whole eternal life promise. So an ugly thing like Alzheimer’s enters the picture. You push through it, and the damned thing won’t have the last word. The Lord of the empty grave will! When you can’t keep yourself together, He can – and will. And He’s promised to call us out of our graves just like He did to Lazarus. That’s where the rubber meets the road.
I remember driving my dad to his house after he had attended a pastors’ meeting with me. This was in 1990. He was a retired pastor, and I was an active one. We negotiated the freeway turns going from Everett, Washington to Redmond, where he lived. I was accustomed to him making aggressive navigational remarks when I was at the wheel, and usually tolerated these with minor irritation. But this day there were way too many of them and I mentioned it a mile before we pulled up to his driveway. I was shocked at his response, because it revealed a vulnerability I had been clueless about until then. “I just don’t remember things so well these days,” he said, trying to solve this riddle as he spoke. Immediately the thought came to me, “Dad was talking me through the turns on the freeway to help himself stay in the game. He was actually disoriented back there!” For a guy who flew in the South Pacific and pulled many all-nighters driving across country, this was a real change.
Those in the helping professions may refer to the condition generically: “It’s dementia.” That’s a convenient label, and we know so much less than we’d like at this point. Our minds get a lot slower as we age. Popular magazines even prescribe exercises for us to stay sharp with the hope of staving off the eventuality of this horror! My wife asked me to read one of these articles. But professionals continue to sound a warning about something called Alzheimer’s Disease. It stands in its own camp with a raging defiance. It killed my dad. But it took a decade.
Since I’m a pastor, I’d like to say something about the spiritual aspects of this disease. A person’s spiritual well-being can affect other areas of life. This has to do with relationships. Maybe our story can help you a little.
I remember a family gathering soon after our drive on the freeway. We gathered in the Redmond home; the young generation, grandchildren of my parents, were there. We were laughing, listening to loud music, and people were reacting to something on the TV in the family room. Adjoined to this was the kitchen where dad paced, scowling and staying out of the fun. Some of the people began to notice this, because his normal “stand apart from the crowd” posture was accentuated. When the music and laughter rose to a high pitch, he was observed making a complaint. “What gives?” we thought. Some in the group reacted to his unsociable mood. “Why is Dad throwing cold water on this occasion?” we thought. “We’re all having a good time, except for him.”
Loud noises and sudden movements are perceived differently by Alzheimer’s patients than the normal person. I think that was partly what was going on there. Maybe a car swerving in traffic would fit in that category. Thus, his agitation on the freeway earlier. But, without getting into medical analysis, which I can’t do, let’s look at relationships. When a person begins to suspect that there is a new reality (onset of Alzheimer’s), it ought to be checked out. If there is a bad relationship to begin with, such as unforgiveness between people, the moment a person doesn’t measure up becomes a moment to seize on. “He’s so uptight!” “Why doesn’t she enjoy life more?!” This situation is like what happens when a family has substance abuse in one or more members. The entire family system is often dysfunctional and the “disease” can exacerbate this. What are some key faith and relationship issues?
Unbelief and fear are related. Faith is a matter of trusting – that Jesus Christ really came from heaven, entered our history, died to atone for humankind’s sin and reconcile us to God. The God factor is everything, because He’s the one who made us for relationships. Through a right relationship with Him, we have meaning, peace, and security. He created us in His image. But if we continue alienated from Him, we live in guilt, fear and insecurity. There’s no way to keep from “transferring” those feelings onto the people we are closest to. Especially when pressures like Alzheimer’s, substance abuse, or money problems arise.
And even when reconciliation is effected, as long as one lives in the temporal sphere, there will still be unresolved things such as pain, loneliness and mystery. These, of course, can be met by the grace of God for the believer. But for the unbeliever, there must be alternative routes to resolve them. Blaming and shaming are things we all tend to fall back on, as opposed to trusting God and seeking His will for solutions. Those are two extremely different approaches. And, any honest “believer” would admit that he often fails and falls back into blaming and shaming. That’s why we write into our worship liturgies things called “confession of sin”. We don’t always live up to our calling and need renewal through daily forgiveness.
Back to some concrete terms. If your mother has dementia and is approaching death – certainly the death of relationships as you have known them – who will take care of her emotionally? When she’s fearful how can you reassure her? When the caregiver who’s paid below minimum wage and doesn’t speak English well has duty in the middle of the night, how well will things go? Do you feel guilty for letting things get to this point? Do you have someone to talk to about your pressures? I’m often reminding myself in pastoral work that the caregiver needs care! This person can easily get overlooked.
As Dad’s condition worsened he went into a nursing home. The second and final caregiving situation had a specialized Alzheimer’s unit. Toward the end of this nine month period, we had to commit him to a “gero-psych” evaluation. This was discouraging. He had always been healthy and strong, and because he was on the razor’s edge of being aware of things, he resisted them the intake people. He didn’t understand why they were putting him in a wheelchair, nor did he know why all the strange people were handling him while we were backing away. He got excited and resisted. From their point of view, he was making things difficult. Drugs were their answer. I felt like I was observing “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” in real life.
After this things settled down and we found a nursing home ten miles from my mother. Her decision to commit him to the unit had been precipitated by months of tussling with him and cleaning up in the wake of incontinence problems. I would have absolutely hated to go and visit him and just stare at the wall without much conversation. In the second nursing care situation I became “that nice guy”. He didn’t know my name or who exactly I was.
And then music came in handy. He had taught me chords on the piano, paid for my music lessons, and had driven me to them countless times, as had my mother. Now I dug out the guitar, and had the nursing home tuck his trumpet in a hall closet where I could quickly grab it during visits. Boy was I glad for the Benny Goodman and Tommy Dorsey hits that he had taught me! We both played them by memory. The old favorite hymns came back too. I kept a list of song titles in my wallet and in the guitar case.
Somehow, I suppose, God made our brains with an easy access for music. It seems that information tied to music, rhythm, and movement lasts longer than some other strictly cognitive things. This is not scientifically precise on my part, but I have observed it firsthand too many times to pass it off. What a blessing. We had many song sessions together and he didn’t even know my name. I also saw him reacting with simple glee when someone brought in a cat to the lobby. When you get older do you again enjoy the simple things like little animals and little children because you’re no longer busy keeping that pressurized schedule – and you’re unable to do the “treadmill”?
Back to relationships and our spiritual life: A close family friend named Cliff once said he wanted to write a book called Flowers are For the Living. He never got to it, but his concern was that we too often wait till our loved ones die to talk about what great people they were. Tell and show them while they’re still alive! I’m glad I was able to give Dad a shave and wash his face once. I’m glad I could push him in a wheelchair a few times. It was on a sunny sidewalk in Redmond, a block from the Microsoft campus. I sang, prayed, and recited scriptures aloud on that spring day. It was a way to “connect.” Had I not forgiven him – had he not forgiven me – whatever needed forgiving, we would have had a roadblock in our relationship. But because God actually entered our history, and we both take that seriously, there was a sizzling reality to this whole eternal life promise. So an ugly thing like Alzheimer’s enters the picture. You push through it, and the damned thing won’t have the last word. The Lord of the empty grave will! When you can’t keep yourself together, He can – and will. And He’s promised to call us out of our graves just like He did to Lazarus. That’s where the rubber meets the road.
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